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Wylde Q. Chicken was born in a log cabin in the wilderness of Nebraska
in 1904. His early years were filled with unhappiness. His mother had
died two years before Wylde's birth, and his father divorced her three
months later.
Wylde was the seventh child of five boys and one girl. Three of his brothers ran away from home in 1765 to work in a Chicken Delight restaurant, and the other five grew up and were married to Wylde's only sister, Fred. As a result of these adverse circumstances, Wylde spent his childhood wandering about cold and windy Chicago streets, staying alive by begging and rummaging through garbage cans and people's pockets. After a scrape with the law, Wylde was put to death by hanging on October 5, 1953, and immediately released. Wylde decided he liked the way the noose looked on him, and wears the rope to this very day. Soon after this incident, Wylde suffered an attack of diptheria, tuberculosis, lung cancer, coronary thrombosis, gout, malnutrition, hepatitis, and athlete's foot. His condition deteriorated slowly, and Wylde was reduced to a wretched, pitiful bum, a mere shadow of the chicken he had been. He wandered through the mountains and swamps of Illinois until 1969, when he made his way to University High School. In a last, superhuman effort, Wylde crawled up to the art room on the third floor. However, he was cruelly hurled out the window by some idiot sub, who probably mistook him for a wire man. Wylde lay in the parking lot, unable to move, for several days. Finally, he was discovered on the verge of death by David Robust Woolley, who took pity on him and hung him in his locker. After a few weeks of delicate care Wylde managed to recover from his illness. However, he was unhappy that there was nothing for him to do but hang around. A year later, a new newspaper (GARGLE) was created. Wylde jumped at the chance to become official Gargle mascot. Immediately, Wylde's fame shot up as he became one of the nations's most revered chickens. His popularity grew to such heights that he beat Ralph Tyler Smith by 47% in the race for the U.S. Senate. He got more write-in votes than any other candidate, but a stroke of bad luck gave the office to an inferior candidate, Adlai Stevenson III. Wylde Q. Chicken is alive and well now as he performs his duties for Gargle and makes plans for his presidential campaign in 1972. (Wylde Q. in '72!) His current address is locker #89 of Uni High. He welcomes your letters and contributions (just stuff it up the slot). If you would like to see him in person, come around when Woolley has his locker open and say "Hi!" (We are sorry, but due to a series of threatening and obscene phone calls from Col. Sanders, Wylde has an unlisted number.) |